Most people understand the term, have friends and spend time with them.
However, rarely do people understand what friendship means to me!
But then most have grown up in healthy relationships, parents, maybe even siblings, Aunts uncles and grandparents right!
My parents did more harm than good, were toxic, isolated us from any form of healthy relationship with external family members or at the very least micro managed those relationships! Any one we could develop a healthy relationship with was "bad" and not to be emulated, any sign of defiance deserved being called just like them.
The very little normal I learnt came from the tiny handful of friends I managed to keep in between moving every few years of my childhood and teen life!
Friends are the reason I survived 4 years of all abuse by my biological father! They taught me love, compassion and what happiness feels like, all the love I lacked from my toxically dysfunctional biological family I sought and found in friends!
Friends truly are the family I chose.
I don't make friends easy because of that intensity, I look for friends who are every thing my toxic family are not. I care and love from the heart and soul. I'm all in or all out. I can't fake friendship, I can't pretend to be friends, I can't just be acquaintances with people, I don't do holding who I am back.
I use to call it oversharing but someone said to me
It's "connecting to people through open-hearted communication"
I trust too easily and get hurt too Deeply
But I can not be anything but my authentic self, caring utterly deeply with heart and soul is at the core of my being. Fighting for what is right and for those I love feircely is who I am. Friends are those I love!
Friends are to me what family is to others, I will fight with them, stand by them, be there for them while being my authentic self, honest, Empathic, understanding and truthful!
When I screw up I fight doggedly to make things right, more so when I screw up with my friends!
I'll be honest about how I've failed as a friend, learn from those mistakes, be honest about my flaws and do all I can to make things right!
When I make a promise I mean it! I'll go to the ends of the earth to keep those promises!
Not many understand my intensity, authenticity, empathy or how deeply I feel.
Not many people stick around long when they witness My raw authenticity and when they do it takes allot to loose my friendship and even more to loose my love!
To me loosing a friend is like loosing family, more loosing a peices of my heart. There are not words for the love and deep connections I feel to the important friendships and relationships in my life.
This overwhelming love compassion and empathy.
The utter bliss of happiness to see those I love happy, the feirce firey protectivness when those I love are hurting. The dogged will to fight for those I love.
I've always felt a little alone in my intensity but it never wavered my desire to remain uniquely and authenticly me.
I always understood that society demanded a hierarchy of connections partner, kids, family then friends. But then I've done nothing but rebel and push back at what societies expectations has tried to box and conform me into.
I was never able to pick and prioritise connections with people over another person. Yes completely understood the need to prioritise responsibilities and understand certain connections and relationships had a responsibility to them. Like looking after my children or carer role with my husband. But I've prioritised friends in need, new developing friendships often get a bit more focus. For me the connections I have to these loved ones are all important. It did however take a very long time to outwardly push back at the societal constraints of hetronormative hierarchal expectations.
If you want to read more about how I finally understood that the concept of Relationship Anarchy match how I connect to people, this is explored further in this blog;
