Life of a Reclusive Introvert Empath

Updated: Aug 21

Identity!

Learning who we are...

It doesn't come easy and the answers are not always straightforward.

You would think that in our technological era with knowledge at our finger tips that we would have become better at figuring ourselves out?

Many people I've encountered over the years have told me "you have personal awareness"

"Your introspective"

Or more simplified versions of the same thing.

Those of course are the more thoughtful, open minded observations from educated professionals or well rounded people who I've connected with enough for that level of depth to be expressed.

My chaotic life isn't that well rounded though. For as many that have made these well rounded observations there are 30 or 40 times more opinions and perspectives that scream loudly;

"Control freak"

"Maniplation"

"The enemy" or my personal favourite to laugh at "your fathers child"

"Story mixer" "screw around" "abusive"

"Living in my own fantasy world"

"Living in the past"

Another personal favourite "liar"

In a world that has engulfed me with negative and destructive labels, it has become a defense mechanism to dissect my "self", understand the person I am, what is at my core, my beliefs, my morals, my emotions, my thoughts, and how they all connect to define me as a person. In that detailed dissection and introspection, you will see the "control freak" in me!


It began as a child, I had little control over my life, never felt I fully fitted in anywhere. Always felt like the outsider, even before I moved in with the biological father and endured 4 years of abuse. I was quiet, being around people has always been hard work, and I never felt like I was worthy of anyone's attention. The last 4 years of my childhood seen any little control I felt I had over my life diminish. My thoughts were defined for me, my terrifying future was laid out by my abuser, my education and career choice carefully moulded, the words I spoke or wrote scrutinised and vetted.

By the time I reached 18 years old and had escaped my abuser, the only thing I knew about myself was rooted in the positive connections I had managed to scavenge from my last two years at school and my time at college.

I had a burning desire to find deep meaningful connections. The type of connections that transcended the meaningless pain of the abyss that threatened my sanity.

The only thing my experiences had taught me thus far about my "self" was everything I didn't want to be.

It was my only starting point.

My education and career choice were abandoned, despite being areas that genuinely interested me, they were a part of the control I had lost. I didn't own them as my own.

I quickly had to learn about love and relationships, the emotional trauma of my first marriage left me truly desolate. The abyss was ready to engulf me. His attitude and words drowned the tiny spark that had given me the strength to understand that marriage was not the deep meaningful connections I was searching for and allowed me to close my proverbial door on him.

But my family I had returned to in Scotland had already begun to seep out the true toxicity that hid lurking inside the box labelled "family stick together".

I truly felt alone! If I hadn't met my husband when I did, my time in Scotland may not have lasted as long as it has. During the turmoil of my previous marriage before it finally ended I had run away to London desperate for the connections I had made and friendships that were forged. I have no doubt I would have found myself there again had I not met my husband.

I had one desire that was mine. To find love and have a family, even if it meant making it myself.

That was the person my husband met!

He too a fellow survivor, his sense of displacement in the world mirrored my own. Not fitting into the "family stick together" box reflected in his life too. He understood that engulfing abyss, the list of things we knew we did not want to be, the burning desire to change the person others had attempted to mould us into, it was revealed in each other the very first day we met.

We fell in love. I had a purpose, my experiences had a purpose!

I became his strength and he mine.

Through our troubles and the mountain's we had to climb I slowly learnt who I was.

But before I understood who I was, I became a fiancee and a mum.

The love I felt was intense. All-encompassing. I learnt the meaning of true love, of real nitty-gritty connections and fighting every single day to make it work.

Every emotion existed in me with intensity, when I was happy it was giddying, I felt indestructible. When I was sad or hurting, the tears fell like a never-ending river and my heart felt like it was breaking for every heartache all over again.

When he was happy I felt his bliss when he was sad I felt his despair.

My world was full of intense raw emotions.

I quickly learnt that my emotions and their intensity were something I could not explain or communicate. Nor something most people could understand.