The past month I have only been able to express in quotes and imagery, this complex grief
Everyone remembers the day the Queen died.
8th September 2022
[on P!nk's 43rd birthday]
For me: that was the day my estranged mother died
the complex intangible invisible grief of losing a mother to estrangment during the most traumatic years my little family has experienced. Fighting the abyss of emotions and stay strong for my children. A time when a mother's hug or understanding words would have...
6 years and 23 days of estrangment
Of not being strong enough to choose to be my parent.
"She could never accept what had happened, she didn't want to believe what had happened and would never accept what had happened"...
These words spoken days later by my greiving stepdad, the first I had spoken to him in 6 years... Those words were My only closure permitted.
Death makes that final. A wound unmended.
No said goodbye.
So here...
I lay my unspoken words and expression
Then...
We watched a world grieve
Whilst being denied my own grief!
Now or for the past 6 years.
[below two images & a video that are part of the therapeutic photography process and end result of grieving the loss of a mum before she died, whilst exploring the deep abyss of abandonment as a result ⬇️]
She is Gone.
That means the world she pulled people into, being the matriarchy of that world: the world that enabled the toxic relationships to fester unspoken and the world that cultivated her sons narcissism into abuse.. That world is crumbling now that the force behind the gravity pulling people in has gone.
I can not be sorry for that. I can't.
But she will never realize, she will never see the truth.
She died in that world believing I was this monster that tried to destroy her family, she died telling everyone I left her.
She died without ever truly seeing me. She died without ever making this right.
That hurts.
Tell the truth my mother said, don't bury your past she said, do the right thing so others won't get hurt like you did, she said.
Then she spent 18 years telling anyone that listened, that I left her for my abusive father and it was my decision to live with, that I was not "over" my past and would one day break. She said I never listened to her!
Well I FUKING DID WHAT SHE SAID.
Tell the truth, don't bury the past, do the right thing.
I STILL DO WHAT SHE SAID.
I TAUGHT MY KIDS TO DO WHAT SHE SAID.
Look at what it cost us, and it hasn't changed a fking thing.
This is fking grief, crying knowing you fking did what your mother said and it wasn't enough for her or to make a difference.
This is raw real grief
Not pretending the dead are somehow redeemed from all thier flaws now they are dead as if those flaws have not impacted lives that continue for generations to come!!
She was not strong enough to face her truth.
I reminded her of that truth, those flaws, those mistakes.
So she wasn't strong enough to face them so she could be a mum to me.
That is how she died.
I get to live with that.
This is raw real grief.
I am valid
My feelings are valid
My grief is valid
My process is valid
My journey is valid
I Exist.
I will sit with this pain
Dive into it.
Get to know it.
Understand it
Process it.
Accept it.
Embrace it as another piece of who I am.
And wear it like fucking armor as always!
This song has hummed in the background of music I've loved without reason or understanding...
My mother's death slotted this song into place... Watch the video to understand it fully.
When words fail... Spoken or written... Photography and Music say it for me...
Because of You - Kelly Clarkson - some of the lyrics;
"I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself 'cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side, so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with"
...
"I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young (and you're so young)
You should have known better (I was too young for you)
Than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain (you never saw me)
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing"
ONE YEAR LATER...
