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Reyvinn; we had to say goodbye before we even got to say hello.

Updated: Jan 27, 2023



I Went to A & E early hours of boxing day due to severe pain all day Christmas day that I thought was really bad IBS


Mild bleeding had also occurred yet I knew it wasn't a miscarriage. Not heavy enough.


Barely got through cooking our untraditional Christmas dinner before curling up in bed


By 2 am I had phoned NHS24 worried about the pain that was in my pelvic area, aware of ectopic pregnancy risks but confused by the presenting pain. My bladder was tender, my IBS had went into overdrive and my kidneys were aching.


After 2 hours of waiting a lovely lady answered, asked loads of questions and decided they couldn't rule out an ectopic.


I arrived in A & E for about 5 am boxing day, but pain had subsided as had the bleeding that started Christmas day.

Pregnancy test was confirmed, checked for any urine infections which was clear.


After allot of confusion. They said that my symptoms didn't sound like a pregnancy issue and sent home to take pain killers.

Possibly related to pregnancy hormones IBS and my ongoing pelvic floor muscle issues.

With instructions to come back in if a certain list of symptoms appeared.


I spent the days in a daze. Worried if this miracle baby I had already named Reyvinn that I had discovered I was carrying days after my Nana passed would be okay.


I had my Nanas funeral to attend on the 29th. I had to go. Just before travelling south the day before, I managed a rushed conversation with the doctors and the earliest phone appointment booked for the 11th of January.


Just get to Kent as planned

Just get through Nanas funeral.


I got passed Nanas funeral.

Got passed my husbands Christmas gift outing at the hydro


Went through the motions barely present.


No pain.

IBS settled. I thought the diet had sorted it.

Daring to hope. Petrified to hope.


Just get to the 11th so they can tell me Reyvinn is OK.

Just had to get to the 11th, everything will be OK.

Everything has to be OK, Reyvinn felt fated to live, to be, the timing too special.

The silliest of thoughts like, maybe it was Nanas gift.


Just get to the 11th and they will tell me it's fine.



But the bleeding started back up on Saturday 7th


I had the doctors call booked for 11th

Bleeding was light, it could be the cervix sensitive with the pelvic muscle issues, it could be old pooled blood like my last pregnancy. Women bleed in pregnancy all the time. It's not heavy. There's no pain.

It's going to be fine.


Doctor explained things have changed and it's self referral, gave me the number for early pregnancy unit first to get a scan then midwife booking after the scan.


I phoned early pregnancy unit and was given an appointment at 3.45pm for a scan


There was no baby in the womb 💔💔💔


I sobbed.


Gave permission for internal scan but they couldn't find my ovaries to see what was going on and they found fluid.


I cried.


I was asked to go to the hospital maternity triage.

Arrived at about 5pm


"I'm so sorry"

I cried.


Everyone was amazing.

So kind. Empathic.


They took bloods just before 7pm to check my hcg levels


At about 10pm they came back very high.


They were worried,


I cried


but I feel fine,


terrified of surgery for multiple reasons I didn't want to unless it was absolutely necessary,


talked in depth to 3 lovely woman on my care team


they agreed to rescan, found my ovaries but also a clot that they couldn't rule out something hiding behind.


They wanted me kept in.


I cried


They wanted me to go for surgery

Laparoscopy to see what is going on and remove etopic pregnancy if found.


They put a canular in about midnight took bloods again.


Prepared for an emergency they said.

Just in case.

No food.

An anesthesist visited incase of emergency.


I cried


But they Agreed because I was well to wait and see in morning.

See if it was a miscarriage and hcg lowered.


But they knew I wasn't bleeding enough.

No pain. Looks healthy. Very confusing. They were worried


I cried and cried.


I was woken at 6am on 12th by one of the lovely doctors from night before...


The hcg had gone up and the other doctor from night before advised to get me to consent to surgery because dispite feeling well and healthy the numbers in my bloods were worrying them too much.


I listened


I cried


was still reluctant,


Confused


She said they won't do anything I didn't want but eventually imparted thier concern, they felt I needed surgery, to explore what was going on and remove an ectopic pregnancy if found via laparascopy, keyhole surgery.


They rather do the surgery while I was healthy than wait for me to become ill.


I cried. I had been crying the whole time.

They listened. They understood.


I am my husbands carer. I didn't want surgery and recovery unnecessaryily. Or the risk of surgery and general anesthetic. But I didn't want anything to happen to me if they were right. I'd never been ill. Never had a general. Never had surgery.

Terrified.

At this point I was already grieving the loss of Reyvinn. Miscarriage was better than surgery. Surgery was more risk. But so is an etopic. I knew the details. Read up many times on the NHS website.


But I was in no pain. Healthy. Barely bleeding.

But there was no baby in the womb.

It's a miscarriage. It can't be etopic.


Maybe subconsciously I didn't want to make that decision.


The doctor patiently listened and understood.


I looked at her. " You think I need the surgery" I ask.

I sigh escapes as she explained both her and the other doctor do. The numbers.


I cried. I consented to surgery.


She dashed away to get the consent form.


I told my family.

I cried


And by 9am the anesthesist that would be present had seen me and told me I'm next for surgery.


I wonder about cancelling surgery. Tge bleeding is a bit heavier maybe it is a miscarriage.


By 9.30 I was prepared for surgery and taken down by 10am.


Terrified

Crying


A waited a very short while in theatre waiting area


Then the doctor came and went through my details and wheeled me through to theatre.


First double doors staff gave me a calming drug

said it would feel like taking 2 drinks fast... Yup!


Wheeled into actual theatre


Promised to be looked after moved to operation table with oxygen mask on.


They put the general anesthetic in and the world disappeared.



Next I remember waking in theatre recovery


allot of pain and drowsy


Staff quickly communicated about pain and administer pain meds in the canular increasing again Til I was comfortable.


I immediately while out of it slurred words, asking "was it etopic"

Yes I was told, right fallopian tube removed

"surgery was a good call" I slurred

Yes it was she replied.

and said surgeon would speak to me that day or next.


Was on a drip for 4 hours after surgery.


Apparently there was 250ml blood lost,

which is below the 500ml where they would normally insist on checking my iron levels but they checked.


Irons low. Iron tablets prescribed.


I told the staff I have fallen out with my body, for lying to me, that I had a deal with it that I would look out for it and listen to it, but it acted like everything was fine when it wasn't.


I rested. I couldn't cry because it physically hurt to cry.

Gas pain.

I swallowed sobs grasping my chest


I tried to sleep.

I ate to recover.

I have to be healthy for my family.

I cried.


Next day..


Beautiful Memory box given.

Firm filled for the book of remembrance.

Joint cremation for Reyvinns remains then scattered in the memorial garden.

Kind and respectful.

Heartbreaking and beautiful.

I cried.


Tears. Pain.


I asked a mountain of questions.

Another Doctor, kind understanding, didn't want me worrying about details.

I explained "I'm a sexual abuse Survivor, for an hour and a half the surgeon and his team had control over my body and life, asking questions, gaining the knowledge of what was done during that time, is my way of taking back some control."

She nodded in understanding. Answered my relenting questions, even though she was stressed and acutely aware she was needed else where, she wanted to help. She asked if I had seen the photos of my laparoscopy.

I shook my head.

She showed me.

I seen 2 large swollen purple masses on my right fallopian tube, the blood pooling around the outside of my womb, bleeding caused by the etopic pregnancy, she confirmed that meant it was close to rupturing.

I had already thanked the doctor who took my consent form the evening of the 12th. Explaining if she had cared for me in any other way, had even a little made me feel I had no say, I would have refused the surgery. But she understood. She was empathic. Non imposing. Respectful of my own feelings and body awareness. She never imposed her views. Never sounded superior. Never made me feel a burden or frustration. Waited. Allowed me to ask the question that permitted her to give her views with passion and concern.

Those three ladies, they are the reason I'm still here.

That I had a straight forward keyhole surgery.

I understand that.

Immensely greatful I get to go home to my family.

I cried. I hugged that doctor I thanked. I cried.



Well enough to go home. Friday the 13th. 3.30pm.

I cried






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2 Comments


Rupert Cheek
Rupert Cheek
Jan 20, 2023

Sorry you've had to go through this and for your loss

Like

Jen Black
Jen Black
Jan 20, 2023

I'm so so sorry for your loss x

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