Words are hard!
Very hard.
Our Nana passed early on the morning of her 93rd birthday, it felt like her will, her choice, she was born on this day, she would leave on this day.
After feircly battling dementia which only really took its toll the most during her last two years.
It was in November 2022 she was transfered to end of life care.
Over the years she had out lived all her siblings and recently, her estranged oldest daughter, my mother who died in September 2022
She always worried more about about how we were all doing genuinely asking "are you OK" no matter how tough life got for her, even when she was ill in hospital.
Even on her last days, as we said good bye to her and sat with her, she used the little strength left when she couldn't talk, to hold our hand, squeeze our hand, use her thumb to stroke the back of our hand, to tell us she is OK and to comfort us. The beauty of her utterly unconditionally love right to the very end, still brings tears to my eyes and engulf my heart.
She was such a strong amazing woman!
I remember clearly my feelings of sorrow when she was dying...
I wrote them only a couple of times in self-expression to one or two close friends.
"The woman who took on a mothering role, who tried to make up for the damage my relationship with my mother did, the woman who is the reason I'm still sane and don't doubt my sanity, the woman who I've had so much time stolen from me because of my mother's toxic behaviours, that woman, my nana, she's dying, she's given up, she's refusing help, refusing food and drink, she's given up, it's fking breaking my heart and I can't even blame her, I've watched the pain of this mess in her eyes as she stubbornly didn't complain and Stayed stoicly strong to not be a further burden on an already burdened family. She's lost one daughter and not seen that daughter make things right. She knows all her children & grandchildren struggles. All she can do now is die on her terms with out burdening her family with difficult choices. We all know that's why she's giving up. It breaks my heart. She's held it all in, been strong for us for so long, and she's not got the strength any more. So I'm loosing the best mother I've ever had months after loosing the mother that couldn't love me enough. All I can do now is make sure I always face my children's pain and validate it so they never feel this pain ever. Honour my Nana by hearing her words and advice in my heart, embrace the parts of me that I inhereted from her and live in the beautifully loving caring empathic candid way she always did"
I managed to write a small raw unfiltered few words for Nanas funeral on the 29th December 2022
"Nana was so much more than a Nana for me, she was like a mum, she was the first loving safe memory I have from childhood, her home always felt like home, belonging, acceptance and full of love.
When life got challenging and crazy a chat with Nana felt like a tether to sanity and love.
My favourite memories of Nana are those moments with her collection of photos out as she would talk about memories of her life and our shared memories when we were children. Photos were a huge part of memories with Nana and I take great pride in knowing that it was that passion in photos that influenced my own passion for photography.
Every memory with Nana is a favourite memory and every story told of her is treasured deeply.
I always admired her candid honesty when speaking her mind and her acceptance of people as exactly who they are. The parts of Nana in us like her candid, stubborn, feircly independent nature are the proudest parts because we inherited them from her."
Any more words, they don't work, in true Nanas way, I too find photos speak a thousand words!
Always loved dearly and never forgotten 💜